Dear Maggie —
I have kind of an embarrassing confession to make… I’ve seen Wicked in the movie theater 7 times now since it came out 2 weeks ago. 🫣 Yes, I am fully aware that comes out to be 1 viewing every other day for 12 days – please don’t judge me! The reason I am telling you this is twofold… my hope is that you can either give me any suggestions for how I’m going to make it through the next year until Part II comes out, and/or give me the contact info for the nearest rehab facility because I DEF have a problem. You seem like a musical kind of gal, so I’m throwing up a Hail Mary (I figured you probably have a connection to her 🤞) that you’ll relate to this and know some way I can get my fix because I really don’t think I’d do well in rehab (I’m also addicted to caffeine, and I know they don’t allow coffee!). Well, that was a short and sweet email, unlike Wicked – that film is almost 3 hours long – so I really hope you can help, otherwise, I’ll have to paint myself green and pack my bags.
— Team-Elphaba Tia
Dear Team-Elphaba —
Wow, you must be one of those people who have been holding space for the lyrics of Defying Gravity. (Can someone please explain exactly what that means??) You have been very busy – or maybe you haven’t been busy at all because you’ve been at the casino movie theater for the last few weeks. I have a LOT of questions surrounding this confession but my biggest question is “Have you gained 50 lbs in the past 12 days?!” I only ask because I have LITERALLY never been to a movie theater and not passed up an opportunity to eat an entire tub of popcorn. If you haven’t, Thank Goodness and that’s Wonderful!
I know you feel like you did Something Bad, but don’t worry too much about seeing Wicked too many times… I’ll call off The March of the Witch Hunters. Fr. John has also seen Wicked multiple times since its release; he is A Sentimental Man after all. He says he’s only seen it twice, but there have been a few times he’s “run out for an errand” that lasted suspiciously close to about 2 hrs. & 40 min. I get it, girl, musicals can speak to your soul… but not mine. I now have my own confession to make… I HATE musicals! This shocks everyone who discovers this about me because I apparently give off major musical theater kid vibes, but I’m Not That Girl. What is this Feeling that I get when seeing musicals? Oh yeah, it’s boredom. Why are they always so long? And don’t get me started on the fact that I can never hear the actual singers because everyone in the audience is also singing the lyrics to every song. I just can’t, sorry! #ImActuallyNotSorry
Now that we’ve each had our confessional moments (shout out to all the 2nd graders who will be participating in their First Reconciliation this Saturday!), I have a penance for you that I think you’re really going to like (I know that’s not how penance usually works but stick with me here for the column’s sake, ok?!). Your penance is that you must spend next weekend seeing all 3 showings of the Charlie Brown Musical that’s being put on by the parish. This is a production that is put on annually by the children of the parish, and from what I hear, it’s rivaled only by Wicked itself. Sooooo, next Friday and Saturday night and Sunday afternoon, you need to be watching Linus drag his blanket around on stage and hopefully that will help you kick this addiction For Good.
Unfortunately, those new chairs won’t be here in time for the performances but consider that the hard part of your penance. Maybe the actors in that chair infomercial can be recruited for Charlie Brown next year; that was some next-level acting there! Those 3 deserve an Oscar if you ask me! Or maybe a Dundie. Either way, they are going to be Popular, and an award is certainly warranted. I can really see them Dancing Through Life in the coming years!
I know you were worried that maybe rehab was in the cards for you, but The Wizard and I think the only thing you need to be committed to is grabbing your playbill and turning your phone on silent for a few hours next weekend. No One Mourns the Wicked, so go get your tickets here and enjoy the show!
— Maggie