Dear Maggie —

I’ve got high hopes for you to be able to help me this week; I’ve got a bit of a generational squabble on my hands. Considering your (ahem) mature age I figured you’d be able to provide some guidance.  My mother, God love her, has been hounding me because she seems to think she’s missing out on a whole host of fun at SMOS.  All the women in her Bunko group have been bragging about all the different activities they get to participate in at their grandchildren’s school. I’ll spare you the transcript from the phone call I got on the day St. Gabes had Grandparents Day! 🫣 I reassured her that there haven’t been any clandestine activities that she hasn’t been privy to.  Anyway, my mother is quite nimble for a 78-year-old, so if you’ve got any suggestions for how she could get involved at school, that would be great!  I could use the brownie points I’d earn if I found her something to do that she could brag about to all her friends!

— Wits-End Whitney

Dear Wits-End —

Girl, I have got you covered; grandmothers are my specialty!  I’ve been a grandmother for what feels like a million years, and I have had more than my fair share of generational squabbles.  I myself only lived to about half the age of your mother – I was the ripe old age of 48 when I headed up to the pearly gates.  Thanks to modern medicine and a lot fewer beheadings, life expectancy is quite a bit longer now; 70 is the new 30!  I know that I certainly bask in my ability to revel in my “youthfulness” even if it is in thought only.  Speaking of youthfulness; Bernie has decided she wants to get back into the dating pool, so we quickly discovered Catholic Singles and created an account for her.  Terry and I love sitting around at Sasha’s swiping right (or left, we’re still not exactly sure how it works) while Bernie blushes from across the table. #WillKeepYouPosted 

I must say that I do appreciate your diplomacy, and you’re right, my “mature” age does provide me with a great deal of wisdom.  Something else that provides me with wisdom is my ability to eavesdrop 24/7, and I just happened to overhear a conversation Angela Cooper was having just yesterday.  Angela has taken over the role of Recess Volunteer Czar (yes, that’s the official title) 👑 and she mentioned that she could really use some help when it comes to filling spots for recess monitors.  This could easily be something your mother could brag about.  Imagine how impressed those Bunko ladies would be when they hear she beat a bunch of 4th-grade boys at GaGa ball🪩 or that she caught the winning touchdown pass from Mr. Shorter🏈!  Tell them there’s no need to fact-check any of this.  She might become the Bunko Czar in her own right.

Recess Monitor is actually a really great opportunity for anyone – not just a granny – who has some free time midday and wants to help out the staff while seeing all these sweet little dragons become absolute merciless savages on the kickball diamond (thank God for resident ump Sr. Mary Jo)!  The hardest part about the job is the occasional jog out to the circle to retrieve a rogue ⚽ ball, so keep that in mind.  At the risk of sounding like an ageist; I must give full disclosure by saying that recess monitors must be able to stand for a bit and dodge stray 🏐🏐 as needed.  If your mom or anyone else is interested in signing up for a shift here is the link. 

I’ll leave you with one last carrot as bait – if you do sign up, the chances are pretty high that you’ll get an enthusiastic hug from your little dragon.  I see Tripp Reynolds almost knock his mom over from the running hug he gives every Monday when she’s there.  So, it feels safe to say that you’ve got at least until 3rd grade before they’re embarrassed by you so much they will ignore you – I can’t vouch for anything beyond that.  Here’s hoping your mom and all of you other moms have a few more years left before your mere existence provokes an eye-roll.  The weather is only getting better from now until May, so check your calendars and see if you (or your mom) can carve out some time to catch some rays all while giving our teachers a much-needed break during the school day.

— Maggie