Dear Maggie —
This may be somewhat off your beaten path – but have you seen the… let’s call them ambitious sewer signs posted around School and over at Church? They did make me pause, but first, honestly, they made me laugh. I enjoy a good chuckle in the middle of my day, so I don’t mind really. Naturally, now I need answers. Do you know the story behind them? Why are they all over St. Margaret of Scotland?
– Alexander The Grate
Dear Mr. Grate –
Sewer, I hardly knew her!?! Sorry, I couldn’t resist. 🙂
First of all: your name? Outstanding. No notes. Zero. Perfect. Second—yes. I have seen the signs. And like you, I had questions. Big ones. Questions like: What the Fiddlehead Fern?? And who… exactly… is the target audience here? Because, according to these flyers, there is a non-zero number of people in our parish community who might think: “You know what sounds like a relaxing afternoon? A little sewer fishing. Maybe a quick dip. Let the kids play awhile.”
Sir.
Sir.
Now listen – I’m all for hobbies. I support enrichment. I love a good outdoor activity. But if your weekend plans include casting a line into a storm drain, I feel like we’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere back at “basic life decisions”. And can you imagine what it would look like if they did catch something… I mean, other than a raging case of salmonella-ococcus, or whatever disease is caused by sketchy fish.
And swimming?! In the sewer?! I know summer gets hot in St. Louis, and maybe we could use a few more community pools around the City, but we are not—not—at “backstroke in runoff water” levels of desperation. Not yet. Let’s hold the line.
But apparently, the MSD thinks these things are possible – and that it’s worth warning folks about the ills of entertaining such behavior. So I did a little digging (not in the sewer, thank you very much). Turns out this is all related to storm overflow—when heavy rain mixes runoff with wastewater (eewwww 🤮), creating what I believe scientists refer to as “absolutely not”. Not that I was really doubting that the signs weren’t warranted. MSD sent these to the school, the Parish Office, and other community partners to post around.
So yes, in fairness, “no fishing” and “no swimming” are, technically speaking, solid advice – though possibly unnecessary. But let’s talk about the third warning: NO PLAYING. And here’s where I reluctantly admit… okay. Fine. This one tracks.
Because we have all seen that massive sewer opening at the end of the Castleman circle drive. That thing has claimed more soccer balls, kickballs, and general childhood joy than I care to count – hopefully no children, but you never can tell. At this point, it’s less “drain” and more “underground recreational facility”.
I’m not saying kids are lining up to explore it… but I am saying if someone told me there was a secret tunnel system down there with a lost collection of playground equipment, I wouldn’t immediately rule it out.
So yes—during heavy rains, when that thing turns into a rushing water feature of doom, maybe “don’t play in it” is a helpful reminder. A low bar, but an important one.
In conclusion:
Are the signs a little ridiculous? Yes.
Are they also probably necessary? …also yes.
And honestly, I appreciate the commitment. Nothing says “we care about this community” like proactively discouraging sewer-based recreation. Kudos, School and Parish offices!
Sleep well, Mr. Grate. Rest easy knowing that here at St. Margaret of Scotland, we are doing everything we can to keep you safe – from poor decisions, questionable hobbies, and anything that might quite literally sweep you off your feet. I know I will sleep more soundly tonight – and so should you. Enjoy those sweet dreams – before you wake up, and they all go down the drain.
— Maggie
